Written by Daniel Scott AND Jonathan ifeobu
BBM PIN:ask or comment below
CALL/WHATSAPP: +234903********
*This story you are about to read might or might not be fiction*
Best writers ent.
*ping* my BlackBerry Q10 vibrated (oh yeah, I use a Q5. Just wanted to take style and tell you) So. I had actually been on Facebook digging into the pictures of my newest Facebook crush when that ping came in (by the way, I might probably “expose” the facebook username of the Facebook crush at the end of this *winks*) Alright. Let me focus on the story. I need to stop digressing. *takes a deep breath* So, the ping. I minimized my browser and went to BBM to see the evil spirit that was disturbing my life with a freaking BBM ping (I hate pings, by the way, and I always forget to deactivate the vibrations that come with them. After typing this I need go deactivate that thing) So, straight outta Facebook I balled into BBM and lo and behold it was Jaga. That idiot. No, Jaga is not his real name. That’s just what we call him. It’s actually a short version of Jaga Jaga. I don’t know how such evil nickname was given to him. Actually the fool na my guy, and the mumu boy just loves two things in his life more than anything – women and weed…aside from that, the guy no get wahala sha. So I received his message. “Fool”. I typed. “Why you won kill my battery”. Pim. I sent it. He received the message and started typing. I watched the typing thing that shows up near someone’s bbm name when he is typing and waited. Pim. His message entered. “Guy, e get one babe wey dey trip for you here o” I squeezed face. Which type of mumu message is this again. I just received the message, bone the guy and returned to Facebook to continue checking out my crush’s picture from where I stopped. Ping Ping Ping. Three pings, I nearly mad. I rushed back to BBM. “Guy, why u won kill my ba3 na. You chop mess?”. I sent it. “Fool”. He replied. “I won change your life” Then he sent me a picture. I opened it. And my eye “shined”. See, is not like I fall in and out of like easily sha but mehn, I saw that picture and forgot about the other girl I was checking out on Facebook. “Who be this babe”. I asked. Jaga sent me a smiling smiley. Then typed. “Na the girl I been tell you say she dey trip for you. Mumu” I looked at the message. Trip for me ke? Why? See It’s not like I’m looking down on myself or anything (alright, maybe I am) but mehn, that girl was too fine abeg. She can’t be tripping for me. So one thing was certain – Jaga won jonse me. Simple. He started typing…. I waited. “The girl been see your instagram picture come talk say she like you o” (by the way this is my instagram handle, just in case you won see wetin the girl see: IamDaniel You can follow me if you like) I looked at the message and of course, I didn’t believe him. The guy na jonser. But I still asked: “Who be the girl”. “She be my cousin”. Jaga replied. I squeeze my face, then shake head. No guy tells another guy say him cousin dey trip. It’s like an unspoken rule around guys. We no dey like our guys near our relation. So for this fool to tell me his cousin was tripping then there was something wrong with the story. Why I dey bother even think this matter sef. “Guy”. I typed. “She fine. Bye bye”. Pim, I sent. I didn’t get any message from him again. And I went back to Facebook. Like ten minutes later, my phone notification light started blinking. I checked and it was from BBM And you won’t believe what I saw when I checked my BBM…
.Be right back. Let me check…
that BBM notification.
So, when I checked what the notification
was I found out it was a BBM friend request
and the name showing was “Clara”
Who be Clara?
My head clicked. Wait, Clara. I went to
Jaga’s name and started typing.
“Wetin be your cousin name?” I typed and
sent.
“Clara”. Jaga typed back.
Okay, I thought, this is starting to get weird.
I suspected it was a trick though. I accepted
the friend request, viewed the picture and
raised an eyebrow. D--n this girl is fine,
what da…
I want you to get a picture of how this girl
looks. Shey you know Juliet ibrahim? (na her
name be that abi? The Ghanaian actress) –
she looks just like her. Well, not really like
her but close. She was fine like that.
I waited. She didn’t send a message. And
mehn, I no won do as if my blood dey hot so
I still waited. An hour, She still didn’t send a
message.
Dammit, I thought, and started typing…
“Hey. I will need your password if you must
continue staying on my list” I typed then
added a little smiling smiley so she no go
think say na beef and sent.
“Check my picture. That’s all the password
you need”
I smiled. She was exactly my type of girl, I
thought, just the humor I like and the cocky
attitude too.
So, like that like that o. We would chat
everyday. Then it went over to calls then
Vam Vam – two weeks down the line I told
her “oya, Anty C. I think we should meet
now. Take me out for a movie”
“Mumu”. She had replied over the phone.
“It’s me that will now take you out abi. Tell
me when you are serious”
I laughed and fixed a date. Sha the day I
called her it was a tuesday. Shebi? Can’t
really remember. But the day we decided to
meet was on a Friday (I remember that
perfectly well). We were supposed to meet
at that shoprite mall in Enugu by around one
so we could catch a 2.30pm movie showing
that day.
So, on that Friday – I baffed. Rub cream.
Wear clothe. Spray spray perfume anyhow
like this eh. I looked at the mirror and
noticed I was starting to get fat small small.
Who cares. I still looked good.
I stepped out mehn. Piam piam, I dey mall.
But I too over go early. It was the mall I
even noticed. I reached there like around
twelve. One freaking hour early gan. I nearly
laugh myself.
I waited though . One o’clock she didn’t
show up. Around 1.20 pm (yes, I was
checking the time like that), she still didn’t
show up so I decided to go and buy tickets
for the movie.
I bought two. 1.40pm. 1.55 pm – no calls.
No pings nothing. I still didn’t want to call
her. She should know to keep appointments.
Why I go call am?. Mumu, my mind voice
told me, better relax and call that girl. Na
your pride go always dey spoil show for you.
By 2.15 pm she called me. Choi, I rushed the
call. Then calmed myself and slowly and
very calmly said “Hello” into the mouthpiece
“This boy. You can’t call someone abi? I’m
at the mall. Where are you?”
“Where are you exactly?” I asked.
“You, where are you”. Clara asked back over
the phone.
“Come upstairs”. I told her. “I’m at the
gallery, close to the viewing rooms”
She said okay and hung.
Shey you know that nervousness that comes
when you are about to see a “social media
friend” you like for the first time? That’s was
how I felt (macho man aside)
Dude. Chill, my mind voice told me, it’s just
a girl. Stop acting like a chicken.
I inhaled and exhaled and waited.
But mehn, all those taking in of air didn’t
help me when I spotted her. I first saw
before she saw me, just as she was about to
get on the escalator.
Then she saw me too and knack me one
very sharp smile from far like this eh.
D--n, this girl is fine.
Her hair was braided. All those heavy looking
braids. Then she come tie the thing as a
bun ontop of her head. She also wore an
unbuttoned demin over a white inner Polo.
Choi. This girl is fine. I thought
The trouser she had on was a jean and tight
fitting and it gave the promise of a fine
behind from the front.
Guy, comport yourself.
The escalator brought her level with the
gallery floor and she stepped over and
“glided” towards me, still smiling.
I smiled when she reached me. She looked
me over.
“You look uglier in real life than you do in
your pictures” she said.
I raised an eyebrow. “Big head”. I said. “You
so wish I was ugly. Keep dreaming.”
She laughed. “You don’t want to hug me?”
I looked at her chest then told myself to
comot eye and try to focus
“I will hug you after the movies”. I told her,
smiling like cow.
“Oya na. You just lost your chance to ever
get a hug from me in your whole life”. She
said, smiling back.
“Come” I told her. “We would be late for the
movie”.
We walked into the pitch dark viewing room.
It was a 3D movie and the place was almost
empty.
I picked a corner and we settled in. The
movie wasn’t yet showing so we started
talking. Then the movie started and we
watched, whispering from time to time at
something on the screen.
The girl was just freaking fun to be with
jare. She go joke, I go laugh then I will throw
my own jokes kwa and she would laugh. Our
conversations just flowed and it was d--n
easy talking to her.
Halfway through the movie she leaned
towards me and whispered.
“Have you ever had s*x in a cinema before?”
I peered at her face in the dark.
“Nope” I replied like goat wey chop biscuit.
“Would you want to try it”.
What da…, I thought. Alright. Hol up Hol up.
This is starting to look like American film.
Wetin she dey talk.
“Like, s*x. Right here?”. I asked (Nna, just to
be sure say I heard her. Sounds can be a
funny thing at times).
“Yup”. She said.
“What if someone sees us”
“Chicken” she said, then stood up and in one
swift movement s-------d me. D--n, I
thought, now that’s one hell of an
experienced maneuver the way she had
s-------d me.
She bent over and kissed me. I just take the
kiss without kissing her back, wondering how
to act. Like mehn, the light from the screen
fit go overshine come showcase the two of
us join.
She kissed me again. I didn’t respond.
Slowly, she reached for the front of my
trousers and gave my crotch one very
vicious squeeze.
I grunted in pain.
“Bia, what was that for?”. I whispered
heatedly
“You are not kissing me back”. She
whispered…
Dammit, I thought, and slowly grabbed her
neck and pulled her face towards me…
“You, where are you”. Clara asked back over
the phone.
“Come upstairs”. I told her. “I’m at the
gallery, close to the viewing rooms”
She said okay and hung.
Shey you know that nervousness that comes
when you are about to see a “social media
friend” you like for the first time? That’s was
how I felt (macho man aside)
Dude. Chill, my mind voice told me, it’s just
a girl. Stop acting like a chicken.
I inhaled and exhaled and waited.
But mehn, all those taking in of air didn’t
help me when I spotted her. I first saw
before she saw me, just as she was about to
get on the escalator.
Then she saw me too and knack me one
very sharp smile from far like this eh.
D--n, this girl is fine.
Her hair was braided. All those heavy looking
braids. Then she come tie the thing as a
bun ontop of her head. She also wore an
unbuttoned demin over a white inner Polo.
Choi. This girl is fine. I thought
The trouser she had on was a jean and tight
fitting and it gave the promise of a fine
behind from the front.
Guy, comport yourself.
The escalator brought her level with the
gallery floor and she stepped over and
“glided” towards me, still smiling.
I smiled when she reached me. She looked
me over.
“You look uglier in real life than you do in
your pictures” she said.
I raised an eyebrow. “Big head”. I said. “You
so wish I was ugly. Keep dreaming.”
She laughed. “You don’t want to hug me?”
I looked at her chest then told myself to
comot eye and try to focus
“I will hug you after the movies”. I told her,
smiling like cow.
“Oya na. You just lost your chance to ever
get a hug from me in your whole life”. She
said, smiling back.
“Come” I told her. “We would be late for the
movie”.
We walked into the pitch dark viewing room.
It was a 3D movie and the place was almost
empty.
I picked a corner and we settled in. The
movie wasn’t yet showing so we started
talking. Then the movie started and we
watched, whispering from time to time at
something on the screen.
The girl was just freaking fun to be with
jare. She go joke, I go laugh then I will throw
my own jokes kwa and she would laugh. Our
conversations just flowed and it was d--n
easy talking to her.
Halfway through the movie she leaned
towards me and whispered.
“Have you ever had s*x in a cinema before?”
I peered at her face in the dark.
“Nope” I replied like goat wey chop biscuit.
“Would you want to try it”.
What da…, I thought. Alright. Hol up Hol up.
This is starting to look like American film.
Wetin she dey talk.
“Like, s*x. Right here?”. I asked (Nna, just to
be sure say I heard her. Sounds can be a
funny thing at times).
“Yup”. She said.
“What if someone sees us”
“Chicken” she said, then stood up and in one
swift movement s-------d me. D--n, I
thought, now that’s one hell of an
experienced maneuver the way she had
s-------d me.
She bent over and kissed me. I just take the
kiss without kissing her back, wondering how
to act. Like mehn, the light from the screen
fit go overshine come showcase the two of
us join.
She kissed me again. I didn’t respond.
Slowly, she reached for the front of my
trousers and gave my crotch one very
vicious squeeze.
I grunted in pain.
“Bia, what was that for?”. I whispered
heatedly
“You are not kissing me back”. She
whispered…
Dammit, I thought, and slowly grabbed her
neck and pulled her face towards me…
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